


every time i close the door i'm left wanting more of you

by bytheseas



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot, eddie submits to the mortifying ideal of being known, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24023503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bytheseas/pseuds/bytheseas
Summary: “I didn’t know you were dating,”  Eddie’s stuck on this -- for some reason it feels like big news.  It’s been so long since either of them dated.  Maybe that’s why this feels so big.“It’s a first date,”  Buck shrugs, but then there’s a soft smile on his face, and he’s turning away.  “I’d better get going.  Probably best to shower first.  All of this grime won’t leave a good first impression.”“Have fun and be safe!”  Chim yells.(Or, Buck goes on a date with Josh and it throws Eddie for a loop)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckely & Josh Russo, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 654





	every time i close the door i'm left wanting more of you

**Author's Note:**

> I love the idea of Josh and Buck becoming good friends. I love the idea of Eddie realizing his feelings when he thinks it's too late. And so, this fic was born.

It’s an ordinary night, when Eddie’s whole world changes. The team has reached the end of a shift, and the night’s ahead of them.

“Want to come over for dinner tonight?” Eddie asks Buck, as he watches his friend jump down from the rig. “I promised Chris we would order pizza. We could watch a movie.” 

“Oh, I can’t tonight,” Buck scratches at the back of his neck, suddenly awkward, not quite looking at Eddie. 

Weird.

  
“Our boy has a  _ date _ ,” Chimney exclaims, as he rounds the corner, and he slaps Buck on the back for emphasis. “I can’t believe Josh said yes.”

“I’ll have you know, he asked  _ me _ ,” Buck tells Chimney, and his awkwardness is replaced by indigence. 

“Josh?” Eddie echoes, and he finds himself watching Buck’s face intently. 

_ Josh _ ?   
  


Buck’s expression is bemused as he looks back. “Yeah, Maddie’s friend from work. We’re going out to dinner tonight.”

“I didn’t know you were dating,” Eddie’s stuck on this -- for some reason it feels like big news. It’s been so long since either of them dated. Maybe that’s why this feels so big. 

“It’s a first date,” Buck shrugs, but then there’s a soft smile on his face, and he’s turning away. “I’d better get going. Probably best to shower first. All of this grime won’t leave a good first impression.” 

“Have fun and be safe!” Chimney yells. 

  
“See you tomorrow,” Eddie says, mostly to Buck’s back by the time he gets the words out.

  
Buck is  _ dating _ .

He gets in his truck, still trying to figure out why this news is shaking him. Of course Buck is dating. He’s attractive and he’s young and he’s fun and he should be out there, having a good time. He should be out there, being loved.    
  


It’s just because he wanted to spend time with Buck tonight. That has to be why this is weird for him. He’s disappointed. It’s completely normal to be disappointed when your plans don’t go the way you imagined them. 

No, that’s not it, not quite.

The thing is, when he wants to have family nights with movies and pizza and conversation, he doesn’t picture them with just him and Chris. Buck is there too. The picture doesn’t feel complete without him -- it’s lacking something, even in the space of his mind, unless Buck is there beside them. 

Buck is his family. 

It hits him, then: the reason this news bothers him. In his mind, Buck is his, and he’s not sure when that started being true, but it is. 

It bothers Eddie because he wants to be the one going out for dinner with Buck tonight. 

There’s always been this lingering attraction he’s felt for his friend -- it was there the first day that he met him and then it never went away, but he pushed it down. Buck is his friend. A friend who happens to be attractive. It felt improbable that there could be more to it than that. 

And now Buck is about to go on a date with someone else. 

\---

He knows he’s a terrible friend for it, but he doesn’t ask how Buck’s date went when he sees him the next day. He thinks about asking. A friend would ask. He just can’t quite get the words out. 

He notices Buck is bleeding when they’re riding back from a call, from a scratch near his wrist, and he doesn't ask before he takes Buck’s arm, applying pressure with a piece of gauze. Buck jumps, a little, when Eddie touches him. Eddie must have surprised him.    
  


“It’s just a scratch,” Eddie looks up, and Buck’s eyes are trained on his face. 

“Idiota,” Eddie shakes his head, lifting the gauze and examining. It really is just a scratch, but it’s deep enough that it is still bleeding. He presses the piece of gauze down again. “Be more careful.

“ _ Careful _ , says the man who cut his rope while deep underground in a tunnel in the middle of the storm.”

Eddie shakes his head. “You won’t ever forget that one, will you.” 

  
“I won’t,” Eddie’s voice was light -- teasing, but Buck’s isn’t. Buck swallows, and looks away from Eddie and Eddie lets it go.

He won’t ever forget that night either, to be honest, and how all he could think about was Chris and Buck and gettin back. He had to get back to them.

How did he not realize, then? 

Eddie cleans the cut and puts a bandaid over the scratch, smoothing it down, so gently across the softness of his skin, before letting go of Buck and returning to his seat.

“Thank you,” Buck says, softly. 

“Anytime,” Eddie replies. 

\---

A few weeks pass by. Buck brings up Josh every now and then, in passing, during casual conversations between the crew.

“Josh and I went to this new bar the other day, they had the most  _ incredible _ craft beer.”

“Isn’t this shirt great? Josh picked it out when we were shopping the other day.”

“Josh got me into this new Netflix show. You would not believe how  _ insane _ these people are.” 

Eddie listens and he nods along in a way that he hopes is normal and supportive, but he never asks for more information. He never asks Buck how his relationship is going. 

A good friend would ask, but maybe he isn’t a good friend. He doesn’t know how to be a good friend, when it comes to this. 

\---

  
One day Josh stops by, for dinner, bringing a salad mix he left at Maddie’s apartment the night before. Maddie couldn’t get off her shift soon enough to drop it off for Buck.

  
“Oh my god you totally saved dinner,” Buck literally lifts Josh off the ground with the force of his hug. He lets go of him and turns to his family. “Guys, this is Josh.” 

“Stay and eat with us,” Bobby says.

Eddie feels like he might be sick. It’s too much, watching this up close. They’re only sitting next to each other at the table, joining in conversation, and it’s too much. 

“You alright there?” Hen asks him, in a whisper, and he nods, but no, he’s really not alright at all. 

  
He’s a mess.

Later, Hen finds him. 

“What was all of that about?” she asks. 

“What?” Eddie sighs. 

“The wounded puppy look you had on your face all through dinner,” Hen says. 

Eddie puts his head in his hands, then looks up at Hen. He’s never really shared as much with the rest of the team as he has with Buck. There’s always been more of a distance between him and everyone else. It’s a vestige of his army days -- a way of protecting himself, from a team he could lose. It’s just with Buck he never had a choice. He’s never really confided in Hen before, but if he doesn’t say the words he feels like he might explode, so they come out: “I love Buck. I didn’t realize it before, but then, one day I just -- I realized it, and it’s too late, and now there’s Josh.”

Hen considers him quietly, for a moment. “I think you need to tell Buck how you feel.”

“You saw him up there. He’s happy.”

“I think you’ll feel better if you talk to him,” Hen says, as she pats Eddie on the shoulder. “It’ll be alright.” 

“I don’t see how dropping this bomb on him when he’s happy with someone else will make me feel better,” Eddie groans. 

“It will. Trust me,” she says, and it feels cryptic -- it feels like she’s leaving something out, but he doesn’t have it in him to ask her anything more.

\---

Eddie doesn’t talk to Buck.

The thing is, he knows how unfair this is. Josh is great. Buck deserves to be happy. And even if Eddie got in the middle of things -- even if he got Buck to give him a chance, he wouldn’t have much to offer. There’s no way Eddie and his mess would be enough. 

He’s not going to mess this up for Buck. Buck deserves to be happy. 

\---

He tries going on a date, with Chrisopher’s teacher. Buck got back out there, so Eddie should too. He needs to move on. She’s pretty and she’s fun and there’s no reason it shouldn’t work, not on paper. But it doesn’t work. The date ends with him awkwardly hugging her goodbye on her doorstep and hurrying off to get home and away.

He calls her the next day and tells her he had fun, but he thought about it, and they shouldn’t date while she’s teaching Chris. She nicely agrees. 

It’s true, at least.

\---

Buck comes over for movie night, one night. He shows up with ingredients to make subs, and Chris shrieks with glee as he opens the door. Eddie’s face breaks into a smile, at the sight of him. 

“I needed this,” Buck says, later on, when Chris is asleep on the couch between them. He only made it halfway through Aladdin, and his head is pillowed on Buck’s lap, curls spread out. Eddie leans close and pulls his son’s glasses off, gently. When he looks up, Buck is watching him, a hair’s breadth away. 

“I needed it too,” Eddie says. He thinks about how if he had figured this out earlier, he could have leaned in a moment like this -- could have kissed Buck, gently, right there on the couch. But it’s too late for that now. 

He leans back.

He has to be imagining the disappointed look on Buck’s face. 

  
“How’s Josh?” he blurts out. He finally got the question out. He’s a good friend, at last. 

Buck looks puzzled, for a moment. “Josh is good. He and Maddie are going to the mall with me tomorrow. They said my wardrobe needs some serious work.” He rolls his eyes.

“I always think you look great,” Eddie says, before he can second guess himself. It’s only after when he thinks:  _ oh shit _ , but the words are already out. 

Buck actually flushes. “Thanks, Eds.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to do with that, so he gets up and he lifts his son up, gently, and he carries him off to bed. When he comes out, Buck is gathering his stuff from the kitchen.

  
“I should go home and get some sleep, if I’m going to spend tomorrow shopping,” he says. 

  
Eddie nods. “Yeah, sounds good. See you tomorrow.”

Buck nods, and then he sets his stuff down and he leans in and he hugs Eddie, tight, putting his head on his shoulder. They stay like that for a moment, before Buck pulls back and heads out the door.

\---

He gets hurt, on a call -- badly. The last thing he remembers before he passes out is seeing Buck’s face, hovering over him, concerned. 

“Stay with me,” Buck shouts, but Eddie hears it as an echo.

He wakes up in the hospital. “Oh, he’s awake,” he hears, from an unfamiliar voice, and he sees a nurse, but as soon as he hears the words, he’s out again.

\---

“He could wake up at any time. I just need him to wake up,” it’s Buck’s voice. Eddie hears Buck’s voice, but he can’t quite open his eyes so he can see him.

“He will,” another voice says. It’s male, but it’s not Bobby or Chimney. 

He knows that voice. He tries to think of it, and then it comes. 

_ Josh _ .

“You should go home and get some sleep, Buck,” says Josh’s voice.

“I sleep here,” Buck says, then a little quieter: “Bobby said he would stay with him and Chim offered too, but I - I don’t know why but I just can’t bring myself to leave him.” Maybe Eddie’s imagining it, but he can swear he feels warm fingers grasp his hand.

“Buck, you love him,” Josh says. 

“I know,” Buck sounds like he’s crying. 

Eddie’s out again before he can hear anymore.

\---

Buck’s there when he wakes up, asleep. He’s sitting on a chair next to Eddie’s bed, but his body is slumped over so his head is pillowed on the mattress, resting near Eddie’s hip. He’s breathing deep in his sleep, despite what has to be an incredibly uncomfortable position. 

Eddie reaches a hand down and cards a hand through Buck’s hair. He hums, in his sleep, then stirs and all of a sudden, jolts up. 

“You’re  _ awake _ .”

“Chris?” Eddie gets out -- his voice is a little raspy from not being used for a few days.    
  


“He’s with Maddie and Chim for the day. Safe,” Buck reaches around, grabbing his phone, and pulls up a picture as proof. Chris is beaming as he and Chim hold ice cream cones piled high. 

  
Eddie smiles with relief. “Tell them thank you.” Eddie reaches a hand up and he feels a bandage there on his head. The pain hits him, and he winces. “What happened?”

“You got hit pretty hard. There was a lot of blood, so much blood, and then you passed out,” Buck tells him. “Doctors can tell you more, but you’re going to be okay,” He reaches up, and puts a hand on Eddie’s cheek. 

Eddie wants to ask him, about the conversation he overheard, about Josh. He leans into Buck’s touch. Buck’s hand makes its way to the back of his neck, playing with the hair at his hairline. 

“You keep almost leaving me,” Buck says, after a moment. 

  
Eddie sighs. “I didn’t cut the rope this time.”

“You didn’t, I’ll give you that,” Buck shakes his head. Eddie can’t take his eyes off him.

“Josh said you love me,” he blurts out. 

Buck takes his hand back. “You heard that?” 

Eddie nods. “It’s true?”

“It’s true,” Buck breathes. 

“But you were happy with Josh,” Eddie’s so confused. 

Buck looks back at him, puzzled, and then he seems to have put something together, because his eyes widen. “You thought...oh my god, all this time, you thought Josh and I were dating?”

“You  _ were _ dating,” Eddie says.

  
Buck shakes his head. “We went on one date, but after that we decided we work better as friends. He’s been great for me, it’s been great to have a friend outside of work. Josh is amazing but he’s not -- well, he’s not  _ you _ .” He watches Eddie, and Eddie’s fairly sure he’s staring at him like a fish out of water, which is apparently the wrong move, because Buck keeps on talking. “I didn’t mean for you to know, I didn’t know you could hear me. I don’t want things to be weird. I can just ignore the feeling, I mean, I have been for a long time.” 

A long time.

“How long is a long time?” Eddie asks.

It seems like it takes effort for Buck to return his gaze, this time. “Since the first day we worked together,” he looks away. “We can forget this ever happened, I won’t talk about it again, or anything. I just -- I need us to still be friends.”

Eddie’s had more than enough of this talk of forgetting. He reaches over and puts a hand on Buck’s face, gently, near the edge of his jaw, moving him so he can see him again. “I love you,” He says. 

“You….” Buck breathes, his eyes widen.

“I figured it out that night, when Chim said you were going on a date. It bothered me, hearing about it. I realized it bothered me because you weren’t going with me. I felt bad that I never asked about Josh, but I didn’t want to think about it, or talk about it, I just wanted you to be mine.”

“I am yours,” Buck says, like it’s that simple. “Was then, am now. Always, Eddie.” 

Buck leans in and kisses him then, right there, on the hospital bed. It’s gentle, at first, so cautious, but then Eddie feels Buck’s tongue at the seam of his lips, and then he’s lost to it. He pulls back when the ache in his head wins out, and Buck seems to notice because he helps him lean back, and then curls up next to him. “I love you, too,” Buck whispers. 

The team finds them like that, a while later. 

“I see you two finally talked,” Hen says, and she’s teasing but she’s warm. 

“Should have listened to you,” Eddie mutters. He’s falling asleep again. Hen chuckles at that, and pats him on the arm. 

“You did eventually, you just took your sweet time.”

“Have a good night, boys,” Bobby says. 

Eddie smiles his thanks and closes his eyes, Buck warm beside him as he falls into sleep.

  
It’s a good night.

**Author's Note:**

> [you can find me here](https://aziraphalescrowley.tumblr.com/)


End file.
